Alright I give him the last chance but it won’t be the same as before…

He has to heed my ten commandments..

1. He Shalt Let Me the Same Person (No changing Me)

2. He Shalt Let Me be with Friends (Not to Get Jealous or Get Angry)

3. He Shalt Let Me Judge Him (We won’t the same as before.)

4. He Shalt Change his Attitude (If not, I will forge it)

5. He Shalt Not Throw his Tantrums in Public (Not to Embarass me)

6. He Shalt Hear, Listen, and Follow Me

7. He Shalt Mingle with my friends (Try to socialize to know them better)

8. He Shalt Let Me Do What I Want, Like, Need, etc (Freedom as a Bird)

9. He Shalt Accept Whatever It is

10. He Shalt Start out from the start.

So Will you Accept them? We start out as friends first. Slowly decide to commit to each other or not. Marriage is not in our books yet. I can’t rush into it. I am still fearful.. Let me heal my heart.. Will you??

I was really hurt so much..

It really hurt so much that I could have shut my heart off forever…

Hence, Love for him has faded away slowly. It was really too painful to love him..

Till the day…..

I left him.

Yes I left him when I reached to my limits. He rejected the new start. He asked for a new start. I thought it over first then I said yes. But he rejected it.

He wanted me back again after I had decided to move on. I wanted to move on since he did not want a new start.

When he begged me to have me back, I said too late.

Yes too late for everything. Everything has shattered into pieces. The road to the heaven is destroyed by him. Hence, it was already clearly impossible to walk on the road.

He lost me. He lost everything abt me. He only has many shattered pieces left by me.

I got my wings back. I could fly again. I was reborn as free as a bird. I could feel myself flying into the sky and breezing against the wind. It felt so good. Really so good.

By the time he realized, it was already too late for the amendments.

He broke my heart into many million pieces that were too tiny to pick up. I already gave up. I could not redo the same old past love flame. The flame of love was dying away already.

I lived in fear of him. Very fearful of his temper and outburts. Hence I could not tell him about his faults, etc. I was really so much in fear of him.

That’s why I made the harsh decision to leave him. He begged me not to leave him. I was really so determined to leave him. Really so determined after what he had done to me.

"I will always remember how it used to be 

You thoughts were to make me hurt 

You always told me I was the one who was too much 

You found yourself and got off on making me feel pain

And there's no way to change this shattered heart

Cause the memory I have of you still tears me apart

And it's been this way since time began

It's a desperate search for a promised land

And the years slip by like so much sand

So many people like me are dying to live

It tortures my heart I have so much to give

I never saw it as a ME before

To win the fight there has to be more

And there's no way to help this shattered heart

Cause all these fears will one day tear me apart

And it's been this way since time began

It's an endless journey, it's the fate of this woman

To live each day and never understand

And it's been this way since time began

It's a desperate search for a master plan

And the years slip by like water through my hands"

I m the Chosen One who will shed all my blood and tears to the world who loves me and I live for it.

I shall lead my Chosen One among the beings to tread on the Cursed Path and lead Him into another Path which is not Cursed.

He shall walk the Path of Heaven bestowed by me and my love for the World and its Beings.

After my death, I shall be the Soul Protector of the World.  I shall protect the World as long as my Soul will never vanish.

I believe that it may be one of my destiny to be the Chosen One who is now walking on the Cursed Path with my Chosen One of the Beings on the Earth.

It is Our Fate and Destiny bestowed on Us by the Line of Fate and Destiny. We shall walk on the Cursed Path together to reach out for the goal to find the Path which is not Cursed. And it may be the Path of Heaven.

Hope that Light is Calling Me out and I will try to climb out from the Deep Dark Abyss. I won’t be fit to be the Chosen One if I choose to dwell in Darkness.

So I shall be The Chosen One who takes all the reponsiblity to protect the beings and the world. I live and love the World. The World is the one who created me to be The Chosen One. I shall transform all the evil beings into the good beings to live in the beautiful world.

So I shall protect the world even after my death then I will be the Soul Protector of the World. I believe I can do it as I am after all, Chosen..

Walking on the Cursed Path….

Let Us the Chosen One and the Chosen One of the Beings…

Find the Path of Heaven…

Reaching Out together.. Our Destiny.. Our Fate..

Bonded by the Line of Fate and Destiny..

Our Fate and Destiny to walk on the Cursed Path..

But here, I am the Chosen One,

who shall be shedding blood and tear for the World..

The Chosen One shall be the Soul Protector of the World.. 

That is Me During this Life time and After Death…

Shall Be blessed with Love for the World and its Beings… 

Necessity of Death

Death is necessary in this narrow world of ours. Despite the appearance that it is a harbinger of misfortune and grief, yet it is needed for human happiness. Our globe cannot conceivably hold the offspring of mankind if the harvester Death was not ever at work in the vast field of human life, mowing down the rotating crops as they mature. There are indeed limits to the numbers which this earth is capable of supporting.

As long as we live in the limited space here below, there is no withdrawal from the busy world of earthly affairs. The world is too narrow to allow for the segregation of different generations. Imagine eternal existence in the flesh! Even granting a body continual health, could everlasting happiness be captured in a life within the bonds of earthly space? As generation after generation rises around a person, will they not wish to withdraw from a society of younger minds who view the uses of the world from a different perspective? The purpose of the Creator always extends to the realization of a goal beyond death.

The Dread of Death

People love life. Even those who, in a rebellious mood, argue that they wish they had never been born, yet love life. The regenerating person does not feel the dread of death so much, for they do not love the world for the sake of self; and when death impends - unless their physical disease affects their thinking or they are concerned for their family - their thoughts are mostly about eternal life. Those who are led by the love of self rarely show piety in the face of death, although the worldly-wise often manifest a spurious death-bed repentance.

Irrespective of a person’s character, they may dread the pain which, in many diseases, seem to attend the demise of the body. But it is doubtful whether there is any pain connected with the actual death. Death is but the “twin sister of sleep.” Consciousness ceases in the body before the heart stops: and until the heart has ceased functioning, death is not complete.

The Physiology behind Death

It is of importance to know what is involved in the death of the body. Ancient writings describe it as a process by which the spirit is released. The general teaching is that the conjunction of the body with the spirit depends on the motions of the heart and the lungs of the body being conjoined with the corresponding pulsations and animation of the spirit. For the spirit also has a body with a pulse and respiration. Death occurs when, from any kind of disease or accident, the body comes into such a state as to be unable to act in unison with its spirit and carry out its behests. What is called Death occurs when the vital motions of the lungs and the heart cease and the correspondence with the activities of the spirit’s heart and the spirit’s lungs is broken.

Death occurs from below - the forms or connections which first dissolve are the most external - those of the red blood. And life in the body depends on the circulation which supplies the tissues with vital heat. Physiology takes account of the fact that in organic bodies heat is being maintained in calculable degrees of temperature and amounts of energy, through the consumption of oxygen by the tissues. When the heart stops and the body grows cold - which differs as to time according to the fatal disease - the bond between the spirit and the material body is dissolved.

Death occurs when the two vital motions, the respiration of the lungs and the beating of the heart, cease, and the body, deprived of the life of the spirit, grows cold and begins to decay. But until the heart’s motion is entirely stopped the spirit continues in the body for a short time. And even after the body is apparently cold, life may with some persist as conscious thinking. The spirit can of course not have any sensation of its natural environment - since respiration has stopped - nor can it move even a particle of the gross matter of the body. The spirit, though definitely severed from the body, may still abide in it, which eventually “recedes” as a cutis-like covering.

Embracing the Darkness is an in-depth look into the aspects of various dark subcultures of the Goths, Witchcraft, Satanists, BDSM/Fetishists, and Vampyres, incorporating interviews and conversations with well-known and everyday individuals, as well as taking a psychological and historical look at the similarities between these groups.

From the Knights Templar and Vlad Tepes, during the Gothic and Renaissance periods, to the modern day renewed interest in Vampires, from a variety of movies and television shows to the commercialization of Witchcraft; from the various stereotypes surrounding devil worship to the truth about true Satanism; this work delves into the darkness with a stark and unyielding offering of cold hard realities. Time has still not granted a favorable view on dark aspects of art, music, or religious paths. Many of these groups have been secretly whispered about and confused with one another.

This is the season of darkness and light. I am acutely aware of shorter days and earlier nights. With the winter solstice when I am overseas, I experience the shortest day of the year, the day with the least amount of sun and the most time of darkness. I hear people bemoan the fact that the sun sets so early in the evening. Darkness is judged to be bad, or at least as undesirable. But, I love Darkness.

I would like to focus a minute on a different attitude toward darkness. Rather than fighting the darkness and focusing on the negative aspects, I would like to work on embracing the darkness and seeing the positive side. More darkness gives me reason to slow down, to spend more time basking in the Darkness. Darkness can help me slow down, become more contemplative, less frantic.

Embrace the darkness and learn what it has to teach me. So, savor an evening walk in the dark with its stillness, or relax by the beach basking in the darkness before the day break. Let ’s strive to be at peace with the DARK nights as it is given to me. Let me live in the Darkness.

“Beyond the Walls of Sleep

Night has finally fallen and my soul craves
the darkest of shadows. I let my inhibitions
go as I become intoxicated with the night.
The Darkness gathers me in with its icy
embrace and we become one.

Darkness you are my beloved, I am yours
completely. The Darkness whispers “You
are mine forever, never again will you desire
the Light of day”

“As I feel the Glorious Warmth of YOUR Blood flowing over me, I am filled with SENSATIONS that are foreign to me and have eluded me all my Life.

Never have I felt such PEACE and JOY as I do right now as I feel YOUR Blood flowing over me. All the GUILT, SHAME and REGRETS. All the CARES and WORRIES, ALL the TORMENTS and AGONIES of MY LIFE FADE AWAY into the SEA of FORGETFULNESS. For the first time in my live, my mind is at ease and my heart is at rest. The EMPTINESS that ate away at my heart and soul like a cancer is gone.”

I feel like drawing myself into darkness and once be goth again….

What is Goth?

This is probably the hardest question any goth could try and answer, one may as well ask ‘what is society?’ as it has so many facets it defies any definitive explanation.

Goth in its simplest form, is a subculture. A group of people who feel comfortable within each others company. There is no specific thing that defines what you need to do or be to fit into the goth scene (except of course the implied black clothing). People in the goth scene all have
different musical tastes, follow different religions, have different occupations, hobbies, and fashion sense.

Why do people become goths?

Most goths become goths because they have been spurned by ‘normal’ society because the way they want to live their lives does not fit in with how most people are told to live theirs. Goths are free thinkers, people who do not accept the moral rules of society because they’re told ‘This is just how it is’ or ‘This is what God says!’. Rather goths tend to listen to what you have to say, and make up their own mind. This kind of free thinking and rejection of dogma earns only rejection in todays society.

However because of this rejection from ‘normal’ society, goths have banded together to associate with other free thinkers. This has a beneficial effect on both the individual and society as a whole. For the individual they have a sense of belonging, and friends they can associate with. For society it removes one more misfit filled with rage from society’s streets.

This of course is not the case for all goths. Many goths today are goths for a variety of other reasons. They like the music, or the clubs are better, they have goth friends and joined in with them, or they just like staying up late nights and goths are the only ones awake to talk to.

The gothic stereotype

Many stereotypes of goths exist these days. It seems everyone has their own way to define ‘what is goth’. From the stereotypes based on clothing to music right up to the stereotypes of all goths being satanists or part of some kind of cult. Categorically, all of these are false.

The goth scene is just as widely varied as society in general. There are many different professions represented in the scene, from highly skilled professionals like doctors and lawyers, to tradesman, to technically minded people to clerical workers. Many different musical tastes exist (and not all of them goth, there is a HUGE 80’s following in the goth scene for some reason). The fashion varies vastly from goth to goth from the traditional flowing victorian style garments to the buckled and studded style regalia (also called industrial style, which is often closely related with goths, and have come to an understanding of co-existance, if uneasily at times).

How do I get into goth?

Goths tend to be accepting and open minded. Just turn up to a club or event wearing all black and your already in the goth scene. You’ll pick it up as you go along (just a hint though, lay off the vampire comments!).

The gothic sense of humour is highly developed, and often leans toward the satirical. Quietly laughing at the more idiotic and less tolerant factions of society that seem to think yelling out of cars at us makes them cooler. Goths have learned to laugh at themselves and see society in a much different light. They have had to, and it is a trait most would not give up.

Goths have for the most part (not unanimously of course, but mostly) dropped all forms of prejudice. Noone is afraid within the goth scene to come out as being gay, and noone has to hide their religion for fear of scorn from their peers or zealots wanting to convert them from the arms of Satan. In fact because of these facts (and the general lack of prejudice) the goth scene has a large proportion of gays/bisexuals, and followers of non-mainstream religions and views. This of course is the most important aspect of gothdom, and why most goths became goths in the first place, tolerance.

But they think weird!

Ah, but this is the beauty of goths. Most subjects that are taboo in ‘normal’ society are freely discussed and debated about. Death, religion, magick, mysticism, and many other topics that are only roached carefully outside of the gothic community. Most goths have realised that fear is only a reaction instilled in us by dogmatic propaganda, and once you realise there is nothing to fear from the topic, whats to stop you discussing it?

Goths often revel in the fear given to them by society as a whole. Often the behavior exhibited by society to them based on society’s perception of them from stereotypes, rumour, etc are a constant source of entertainment. Of course, most of the rumours are totally unfounded, goths are people like everyone else, however when you already have a reputation, going for the shock factor is often far too tempting to see how much society at large is willing to believe (or deduce) with only a little encouragement.

This does not totally fall away once you get inside the scene unfortunately, and goths are all too often tempted to try for the shock factor within the scene (which turns out more tacky than shocking). Goths when you get down to it can be a rather pretentious bunch, trying for those extra ‘goth points’ on the gothier than thou scale, but it adds to the enjoyment.

History of Goth

Modern goth (ignoring where the name itself originally comes from) started in the early 80’s as part of the punk subculture (which is itself was a rejection of most societal values, and anything considered part of the ‘norm’). The phrase was coined by the band manager of Joy Division, Anthony H. Wilson, who described the band as ‘Gothic compared with the pop mainstream’. The term stuck, and as punk eventually died, Goth survived and became its own subculture. The punk clothing and hairstyles mellowed, and the core ‘rejection of society’ attitude alone lived on in the gothic subculture. Over time this itself has been modified to be more of a ‘no more blind acceptance of society’s values’ as opposed to rejection because it was there to be rejected (and because you could get away with it!).

Movies such as The Crow, and bands such as the Bauhaus helped establish the gothic image as dark, depressing, and even evil. As more and more ‘dark’ movies came out, numbers in the gothic subculture expanded, and there is now a gothic community in almost every major city around the world, and quite a number of towns have their own representative contingent. Nowdays there are more goth bands around than ever, and it has turned from an 80’s phenomenon into a 90’s way of life for many people. Unlike the punk subculture that it spawned from, there even exists a class of mature goths, still following the scene around even past their 20’s and into their 30’s and beyond.

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Today I had a short shopping at Far East Plaza and AMK HuB.

I went to New York Restaurant to wait for him to come dine wif me..

After dinner, we had a walk.. Then I saw my friends opposite me. I waved at them to get their attention. Then had a chat wif them while Barc was in the shop browsing..

After sometimes, I found him disappear from my sight. I SMSed him.. He was not happy. I could sense it. I did not know the reason.

I tried to hold his hand but my hand was sliding away from his hand. I tried to kiss him in the cab but he moved away. I was devasted.

I came home waiting for him to come online and read his blog.. and I realised…

” Had a rough day, thought I can have some private moments with her, so I met her up for dinner.

Was about to get her a new Slim version of PSP since her’s is almost broken, she saw her friends, tried all means to get their attention, and started talking among themselves. I just hope it’ll be a short ‘Hi’ and ‘Bye’ thing, but I ended up window shopping by myself looking like an idiot, was about to ditch her and go home straight till she finally bothered to message me.

All I want is to spend as much time as I can with her since I won’t be able to do so for the rest of the month, yet these maggots kept spawning out of their shitload.

I’ve had enough. No more surprises, no more gifts, saving up for someone else more worthy of my time. That’ll be all.”

Barclay, I really did not know how u felt that time. But I could sense dat you would ditch me at the spot. That’s why I had to SMS u. I really felt very scared.. Cos I love you so much.

Pls forgive me. Let me have dinner wif you tomorrow night before you go in camp. Forgive me pls… I love you.. =~~~~(