Today…

Friday, March 30, 2007.

This morning, I was folding towels at my workplace. I received messages from my darling no.1 as well as the female same woman whom I have been mentioning in my sad blog. Their messages made me cry again.. I had to clean my tears before the staff came in the room to help out.

“Why do you cling onto your heartache? Bury the hatchet? Haven’t you forgotten how xx got angry and forgave you readily?”

Well, I am still having a heartache since that day. I dunno if I should forgive her totally. I find it really hard to forget totally..

“How long are you going to carry it on with the heartache? I had enough of this misunderstanding. I can no longer cry again. I’m such a crybaby, you know.”

But I am also a crybaby.. I can be emotional at sometimes too. I know he is torn between me and her. But I dunno if I can be strong again.

“You are a grown up bitch. Can you cry like a baby? Ha ha stop it for my sake and bury the hatchet. Otherwise I won’t see you all again.”

Is he threatening not to see me again if I won’t bury the hatchet? Yeah I m a bitch but I won’t bury the hatchet totally yet..

“You do your life. We all do our lives. No one’s responsible for your upbringing except your parents. We have accepted you for who you are.”

But I have this feeling that some cannot accept for who I am now. I was brought up like this character which people detest cos I do not view myself as a weakling as well as a demure gentle lady. I still prefer who I am now. If I am too demure or gentle, I will be taken advantage..

“You are too rough for a girl. You should understand girls. You are a girl. Stop your kind of thinking. It really is wrong.”

Yeah I am very rough. I ain’t a girl anyway. That’s why no guys like me or want me cos they rather have fenimine demure gentle girlfriends. Even friends also detest me for being rough.. So why should I change?

Lastly another message….

“I ll be around city hall. Up to you if u wan come. Still never receive xx’s sms yet.”

Should I go?

Another message which reminds me of the past…

“Imagine if I won’t forget how many bloody hours I waited for you at Orchard Mrt station ages ago. And if I were to bear a grudge against you in my mind and heart. Won’t it be like harbouring hatred then?”

Yes I made my friend wait for me for 8 hours as I kept on changing the time. Right now, I have no strength to hate anyone.. I never say I would wan to sever friendship with her. I jus want to have a long cooling-down period.

“That’s called forgiveness. It’s also a way of loving you as a friend. Do it too especially in our group.”

Sometimes things cannot be forgiven and forgotten as they leave deep impact in my well-alive memories. Hence it ain’t easy to forgive and forget..

Well, after work, I went meet my darling no. 1 for dinner. He told me that two guys were going Chinatown to buy a new hp as his hp suddenly went out of order. Another guy SMSed me for my whereabouts.. Later I received his sms saying he was gg City Hall. I knew she was there.. I did not sms her if I wanted go there.

After dinner, we took train to City Hall to meet the rest. Initially, I did not want to go cos I said to everybody that I would want to quit hanging out with the group. I believe that they must be snickering now. Anyway, I went City Hall meet them. Suddenly, I felt that everything had changed. I did not know how to strike a decent conversation so I whipped out my PSP to play Sonic Rivals.

Slowly, the conversation began.. I was not looking at her.. Only looked at the rest..

Then I saw him sign “One Condition” to her. I wonder what it was about. I felt a bit of regret of coming City Hall to meet them. I wished I could vanish from their sight. I also met that liar dude.. I threw into a rage and scolded him a bit before I left to meet my Daddy. He claimed that he had to leave abruptly on that day cos he did not know how to tell me why he did that. He told me “I had to do this cos someone did not want to see you.” I told him that I already knew who that person was..

Clock showed 1 045pm…
I went to taxi stand at DBS Bank Raffles City to look for Daddy. I went home in his car. I felt my heart ache again..

Thus here I am.. writing my blog of how I felt…

~ by sassybaby79 on March 30, 2007.